When the looks go silent
by blackandwhity
Summary: Tiva. Their eyes. The elevator. Everything comes full circle (sort of). A tag to 10x23, Double blind.


**A/N**: this has been inspired by that amazingly honest confrontation, but even more by its aftermath. Tony avoiding Ziva's eyes has to be one of the most painful things I've ever seen. Now the ball is definitely in her court, so I decided to have her make a move…  
(the title refers to the definition 'loud looks', of course.)

* * *

She tries to catch his eyes the whole day and never finds them.  
The looks they continuously exchange constitute the better part of their communication, and the most honest one. Without it, she feels the same way other people would feel with their tongue cut away.  
It's been a whole day, and what started as just painful has quickly escalated to unbearable. So when he walks to the elevator, before the doors can close completely, she stops them and joins him. For the fraction of a second he looks startled and about to shoot at least a surprised glance at her, but he regains his composure immediately, and there must be a very interesting spot right above her head, because his eyes focus on it and don't leave it. Predictably, she flips the emergency switch.

The temptation to reach out to his cheek and force him to look at her is making her hand itchy, but she knows better than that. She's going to have to use _words_, no matter if she doesn't even know where to start. But she just can't do it this way, not when he feels so distant.

"Tony, look at me" she whispers. "Please?" she adds after a moment. It wasn't her intention to sound so pleading, but right now, she couldn't care less. She watches him breath in and out, and slowly lower his gaze.

God, she has missed him. The relief lasts just a moment though, because the pain in his eyes is just as blatant as the night before, maybe even more. Now, even frustration and anger are gone, there's nothing left but sheer pain. The sorrow, the guilt, the fear that have been haunting her since their confrontation take over her for a moment, and everything she wanted to say suddenly dies in her throat.

_God, he has missed her. Avoiding her eyes for so long has to be the hardest thing he's ever done. Correction: looking at her right now and keeping it together has to be the hardest thing he's ever done. Because she looks so sad, and guilt stricken, and… afraid? Is that fear he's seeing? No matter how hurt he feels, the impulse to just reach out and touch her and bring some comfort to her is making his hand itchy.  
And then he remembers that the reason they're here in the first place is because when she needed comfort, she looked for it elsewhere, so he tells that part of his brain to shut the hell up, and thank you very much._

"Tony, I… I am sorry. You are the last person on earth that I wanted to hurt, believe me. I have allowed grief to lead all my thoughts and actions in the past few months. I kept thinking that I did what I had to do, and only now I realized that it made me blind. I am not trying to justify myself, I just want you to know that I _see_ you, and everything you did, and that I am grateful to have you in my life -"

"Yeah, where did I hear this song already?" he interrupts her, in a tone that is bordering on harsh.

They both cringe at his bitterness. It was expected, yes, but he has brought up a moment that they are both quite fond of. They sure didn't need another thing to make this conversation more difficult.

_That was a bit out of line, and he knows it. He didn't want to make it hard for her to say what she had to say. Dammit, he has been waiting for her to open up like this forever, and now that she's doing it, all the things that hurt him lately and that he kept bottled up for her sake are just surfacing and shattering his self-control. What a nice timing._

He twitches his lips before he adds, in a softer tone "You never answered my question, by the way".  
She opens her mouth to intervene, but he goes on: "And that's the problem, really. What I am to you, Ziva? You never let me know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and it's hard to try to read your mind all the time, you know? Every time I think we're moving forward, something happens and you run away from me. I feel like we're walking in circles, and… that _hurts_, Ziva, it really hurts. I don't know how to handle this anymore, I don't know if I can take it anymore." He stops for a moment, because he realizes that he hasn't managed to keep his tone calm, after all. She looks definitely scared now, and it breaks his heart. Damn her puppy eyes, really.  
"Look, it does not mean that I will stop having your back, because that will never happen." He adds. "But you need to freakin' make up your mind, figure out what you want, what you feel, and tell me where you stand, because right now I feel like I have imagined everything, like all the 'post-elevator us' was just my delusion."

"I am right here, Tony." She tells him after a moment, and her voice is thick. "It was never your delusion, it just… took me a while to get it. But now I have, and I do not need more time to think about it. _I am here. _I'm done running."

"Don't say it if you're not sure, don't say it just because you're scared right now, please." Now it's his turn to sound pleading, apparently.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't really mean what I said." She answers, and she's dead serious.

"Do you realize that this means that whatever happens you'll have to come to me, and let me in, and allow me to be there for you? And it won't be just on your terms anymore. You can't talk to me, and then cut me off, and then come back to me again just to shut me out the next minute. You'll have to work on this, Ziva, because this uncertainty is killing me. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"I am sure I want to try."

_They just look at each other for a while, conveying the rest in their usual fashion. Having both verbal and non-verbal communication restored makes him feel a hint of optimism somewhere, deep down. She must have noticed, because amongst all the pain and insecurity that have twisted her beautiful features since their eyes met – and thank God, she's not been hiding any of it – he can see a little bit of hope coming to surface, lighting up her look a little.  
He can't help but thinking about the last time they were stuck in that same elevator. The looks they exchanged were just as deep, but filled with completely different feelings. He kind of misses the carefreeness of that moment. Their world was literally crumbling down around them at the time, and they still had found a way to be lighthearted, somehow, because just being together was comforting enough.  
Her voice suddenly brings him back to reality._

"I have been taking you for granted." She admits. "You have been there all the time, and I knew it. I have been taking everything you had to give and I did not give you anything in return."

"You didn't have to, Ziva, it's not why I did it."

"I know, I just mean that while I knew that I could count on you, you couldn't count on me, and that's not fair. I have been… selfish, I focused on my pain and I didn't see yours, and I am so sorry, Tony."

She looks on the verge of tears by now, but she has to hold on, because what is still left to say is the most important part of her speech, and she wants it to sink in.  
He knows how hard it is for her to admit all of this, and all at once, no less. He wants to say something, at least to accept her apology, but he's overwhelmed too, so he just nods and gives her a look that says it all. And that look is what gives her the additional strength she needs to go on. So when she speaks again, she does it just as fervently and passionately as she did that time he thought he was going through a 'midlife crazy'.

"I want to be there for you. I want you to be able to count on me, I want you to feel free to come to me and tell me how you're feeling. You don't need to protect me all the time, Tony. I appreciate it, but you don't have to put me first all the time. Your feelings are important, _you – are important_."  
She takes a deep breath before she adds, "And what I want most, is that you to never have to doubt that I'm in this with you ever again. Because, to answer your question, you are _in_ my life. And the happiest part of it."

_They're both breathing hard now, the emotions are running wild in their eyes, love and hope are washing all the pain away, and they simultaneously give in to the need to reach out. Their fingers intertwine easily, like they have done it a billion times, and not just once. They just enjoy each other's warmth for a moment, while Tony tries to find the words to give a proper answer to such a huge statement. They're both getting good at this thing of declaring their love without using the actual word, apparently. And that's for the best, they still have a long way to come.  
The words are failing him, though, and that must be a first for him. He just lifts his free hand to her cheek, and slowly, without leaving her eyes, moves closer to her, until his lips brush hers gently._

_The kiss that follows is pure bliss, and he's hit by the thought that this time the earth has actually moved._

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed!  
The paragraphs in italics are meant as POV switches, I hope that was clear. Feel free to let me know if that, or some expression (I'm not a native speaker), feels off. Any feedback will be more than welcome.  
Speaking of which, I'd like to thank the 'guests' that left some very nice comments to my previous story. THANK YOU! :)  
b/w


End file.
